shit

i cant run from my own self.. its a waste of time.
and if i want to be happy i have to stop and address these things..
but i will offer an explanation .. i felt a bit trapped.. exposed?
no i felt quite honestly threatened.
what you read is a privileged most intimate of places.
i wont be abused.
i do have a strong desire to do something and have an effect on the world. but not at my own expense.. wait that sounded selfish .. what i mean is .. i cant take care of anyone unless i'm taking care of me.
ive been learning about setting limits.. because before i didnt have any..
and i really did get fucked over.
and it really fucking hurt.
and i'm not interested in feeling that way again or making anyone feel that way.
there is so much hateful uglyness in this world.. i realize is inevitable.. but far be it from me to stand idly by .. and even worse.. be a victem to it..
i mean im really good at playing victem .. but if its not rightful then i am the wolf..
i'm rambling in circles now ..
i just have to say .. i know what i want.. and i know how i want it...
and i know its not perfect.. and it cant be .. but im going to try..
and im not going to apologize for protecting myself..
on another note.. now i feel as if im being pulled in a million different directions and i dont like it.
i want everyone to be happy.. and i want the world to be some type of utopian happiness..
but i will not be a martyr.
i will not be a mother except for unto mychildren
i will not be a friend but for to my truest friends
and i will not be a child except to my mother.
i am a human being.
i am not perfect.
i have feelings.
i demand respect.
and i call myslef up to the most purest possible forms of love.
and it starts with me.